intoxicatedone (intoxicatedone) wrote,

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A Keyhole To My Beautifully Delapidated Soul

I had one of those dreams the other night. The one that compacts and exaggerates all you emotions, fears, and hopes into an orgy of self loathing and sense of urgency.

The Dream:
It starts with me starting a second job at a restaurant. All seems cool, but I am thrown into the mix with out any training and it takes me hours to complete one task before I give up.
Somehow I then go to a college setting. Upon exiting my car my would be professor ask if I did my readings and was prepared for a quiz. Of course I didnt but play it off as I did. When questioned about the subject I turn furious and ask the ass professor does anyone actually know anything for fact. We get into a huge debate in which again I give up.
Next I end up at an old house looking for something. Every room I go into is frightening, either there are ghost or grizzly scenes before me. So I decide to escape but I cant find the door. All I can find is a stairway, the way up is broken and impossible to climb, the way downward is in perfect condition.
After that episode I meet a woman. For some reason I am so attracted to her it hurts. So I make my move and we go on a date and all that bullshit and when I make my move to kiss her good night she does the childish lip flutter and tells me I have to earn the right for a kiss. Heavily turned on by that I try to steal a kiss same damn result. Now furious, I ask what do I need to do? And like every other woman, she gives no easy answer. I suppose I have to move mountains and shoot lighting bolts out of my ass.

My Analysis:
The restaurant episode was about my constant financial concern and unhappiness and boredom I feel about my current job.
The college scene, I know I need to go back but I dont want to put up with the bullshit.
The Old house, this one worries me, I think I have been running from my ghost and they are starting to catch up. Perhaps I have some bad karma catching up but I felt so afraid confronting those beings of my dream. The staircase really has me freaked it symbolized no way to climb up in life, and with the downward stairs perfect that would be the only way to go.
The girl. Well what is there to say about that. Every relationship leads the same place empty wallet, full box of condoms, and an empty bottle of aspirin.

The Plan:
Plan A: Destroy financial worries with responsibility and lots of money. Take pride in my work and come to the realization that some people dont have work and should be at least fortunate for the job. Decide if now is the best time to get back into school with too much of life taking up my time, I tried it once before and my gpa suffered horribly. Confront all things I feel are holding me back, take responsibility for my own actions and accept and conquer the consequences.
Plan B: Get the fuck out of Dodge. Will not implicate until end of the summer (I NEED A GREAT SUMMER).
Plan C: Just go get drunk.

This weekend I am going to work on plan C. Tuesday begins Plan A.
I need one last hoorah before my extreme self overhaul.

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